The conversation was about 2019, their goals, their resolutions, their expectations. As I listened carefully, I thought in the back of my mind: what do I want to accomplish in 2019, what are my goals? What will I talk about when it’s my turn to speak? when I finally opened my mouth to speak all that came out was, my 2019 resolution is to have no major goals and no expectations. No response. I elaborated - this way... chances of me being disappointed, stressed, unhappy are minimal. The response: crickets... followed by an overall consensus that I was being extremely negative. The conversation ended quick there after as I was told maybe I need different goals or maybe I adjust my expectations. I didn't press the topic, to be honest, I was tired and newborn brain dead. All I knew, is that my decision felt right. Later that evening as I replayed the scene in my head I realized, it’s not that I’m negative.. I simply had done a poor job of elaborating and explaining why this was my strategy for 2019.
If there’s one thing I learned during Kiki’s mat leave is that you can’t plan out life with kids until you meet said kids. It’s teamwork, only the problem is the youngest players on the team are the absolute worst at team play. Even the nicest of kids is demanding, needy, and selfish at times and it’s your job as the leader to teach them otherwise. When I was pregnant with Kiki I had all these lofty expectations about how my days would be during mat leave. How this kid would just seamlessly merge into our very spontaneous hectic lives and tag along. For those who know me and the Keeksters you know she came out and said Hell Nah! My needs shall be heard! I struggled letting go of what I thought was going to be and learning to enjoy what really was, which truly wasn’t that bad if I looked at it with fresh eyes.
I’ve faced this struggle before in other areas of life…friendships, family, jobs, vacations, skills, habits…feeling disappointed that things weren’t what I wanted or thought they’d be like. Or maybe they happened just as I expected, except it didn’t feel as great as I had built up the moment to be, it wasn't what I was told it should feel like. In a world full of shoulds, full of pressures expectations are dangerous, especially when they’re high. For me when things go well, it feels amazing, but when they don’t it really hits me hard.
For most of 2019 I’m going to be on mat leave (yay Canada!). I have no idea what to expect of Luchi or how Kiki will continue to evolve, right now she’s in psycho mode. Maybe I’ll have all the time in the world or maybe Luchi will be as demanding as Kiki and I’ll be running on empty. So, I figured the best way to stay open minded and enjoy the moment was to forget goals and expectations at least for this year.
Of course I had to google if others thought the same, because there’s no way I’m the only one who has thought of this before. Let’s face it if I were I’d have a lifestyle or self-help book by now and I'd be flying around the world TED talking my head off. Anyway, turns out lots of people choose to live without expectations it’s a whole philosophy. As I try to let go of expectations I’m curious to see how it’ll all work. For now, it’s cool to read about it and try to embrace it day to day, though I have to be careful of not developing an expectation that it’ll magically make life easier haha I'm being flexible and testing it out, maybe i'll enjoy it, mabye it'll be a ridiculous attempt to find a quick fix to bigger problems. Who knows, maybe half way through the year I'm going to realize it's not for me and come out with the longest list of impossible goals. Whatever happens I hope to have more time to write and share what I learn/experience, but if I don’t I’ll make sure to share all the things I read that I find interesting. For now, this post is getting long, stay tuned for more :)
Cheers!